HAVE YOU EVER FELT FEAR…
Have you ever felt fear for someone, or that you won’t be able to help them and take care of them?
Do you want no never feel so helpless again?
If so, this chapter is for you!
I invite you to explore it and get all the answers you could possibly need on the topic…
GETTING ALONG & TAKING CARE
The Socio-Functional Definition: Ability to act in ways that are useful, pleasurable, productive, caring, beneficial, and overall positive for another person.
Highlights of the chapter:
- The Problems with getting along and caring for others
- Imagine that – A short story explains it all
- The explanation – Everything starts with the need.
- How does human nature deal with this need – “Interpersonal Sensitivity” as a trait of human nature.
- What do religions have to say about it?
- How does science explain it?
- The reason for the identified problems.
- What does all of this mean for the 5 major areas of life…
– Intimacy & Relationships
– Parenting
– Health & Well-Being
– Career, Business & Leadership
– Social contacts & Reputation - What can we do to actually get along and take care?
- The challenge – the most important question about yourself
- My promise to you
- The solution – What psychological profiling could tell you about yourself, that you don’t already know?
This chapter is available also in different languages:
The Problems:
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First, we need to want to help and take care of someone
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Then we need to be able to give our unsolicited help, which often is unappreciated
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Our efforts, no matter how good and noble are, provoke irritation and sometimes even anger in the receiver, which leads to rejection.
Imagine that…
Imagine you’re sitting with a friend who’s struggling with a difficult decision. They’re torn between two options and don’t know which way to go. As a true friend, you want to help. But before you jump in with your advice, you stop and think. You remember a time when someone tried to help you, but their advice was based on their own values and goals, not yours. It didn’t feel right, and it didn’t help. Even worce – it irritated you…
So, whe similar situation presents itself, instead of rushing in with your own ideas, you take a deep breath and ask your friend what their underlying goals and motives are in this situation. You listen as they share their hopes and fears, their wants and needs. You see the situation from their perspective and understand what’s truly important to them.
Only after that, and with this newfound understanding, you’ll able to offer help that’s tailored to your friend’s specific needs. You support them in a way that feels right, in a way that moves them closer to their goals. Moreover,a way that does not face all of their barriers.
In that moment, you’re not just a helpful friend. You’re a caring friend who truly understands what it means to help someone in a way that makes a difference.
Everything starts with the need
As we already know from the Socio-Functional Theory, everything starts with our deep psychological needs. In this case, it is the need to move towards some goal in the future, that brings us closer to satisfying our needs…
Need for success and achievement: Our ability to process information, combined with that of interacting instrumentally with the surrounding world and people, combined with our ability to see interconnections between the past, the present, and the future, leads to another interesting phenomenon. We are able to anticipate potential outcomes that would improve our ability to satisfy our needs. This gives rise to the need for a set of mechanisms to help us achieve these results in the future and thus improve our ability to satisfy our needs. We call this group of mechanisms “Goal-orientedness”
In addition to that, since people are part of our surrounding world, we often can’t stay unconcerned about their feelings and the way they express them. Indirectly, since their feelings (as anyone else’s) are a consequence of their needs, this leads to us, being engaged in their needs.
This interrelation is directly connected to another one of our needs:
Need to get along with other people and help them: … In order to get support in the process of satisfying our needs, we have to position ourselves as high as we can in the social hierarchy. But this, in itself, is a problem as it leads to intra-group competition. It is, however, detrimental to the group itself and would lead to its collapse, as each member of the group would pursue his own interest. This gives rise to the need for a set of mechanisms that would allow us to navigate on a purely intuitive level about what – in relationships with other people – is good for our needs and what is bad, both for our personal needs and for those of others. Through these mechanisms, we acquire the ability to identify the needs of others and match our own with theirs in an adaptive way. We even get an incentive to help other people in the process of meeting their needs. Without these mechanisms, groups would simply not exist and people could not coexist together, let alone continue the species. We call this group of mechanisms “Interpersonal Sensitivity”.
Those two needs combined, lead to the phenomenon of us interpreting on a deep subconscious level those needs of others as our goals and therefore becoming driven, motivated, and sometimes even filled with enthusiasm about achieving those goals, which indirectly manifests as helpfulness and care towards them.
That said, it becomes clear, that there is an intersection between the two mentioned groups of mechanisms (Goal-orientedness & Interpersonal Sensitivity).
This intersection is actually a specific trait of human nature, that we call “Helpfulness”.
In case you wonder how a trait of human nature could be an intersection – it’s simple – that trait serves both needs.
So what actually is Helpfulness & Caring as a trait?
… and since often people need both – Science and Religion, to make sense of and accept something…
What religions have to say about that…
- Christianity: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4
- Islam: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” (Hadith Sahih Bukhari)
- Judaism: “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” – Proverbs 3:27
- Hinduism: The Hindu teaching of “Seva,” which emphasizes the importance of serving others and helping them to achieve their goals.
- Buddhism: The Buddhist principle of “Maitri,” or loving-friendliness, which involves extending warmth, kindness, and support to others, and the concept of “Karuna,” or compassion, which involves helping others to overcome their difficulties.
- Sikhism: “The one who serves and helps others is closest to God.” – Guru Granth Sahib
- Baha’i Faith: The Baha’i teaching of “Prosperity in Abundance,” which involves using one’s resources to promote the well-being of others and helping them to achieve their goals, and the principle of “Unity in Diversity,” which involves embracing and supporting the diversity of all people and helping them to achieve their goals.
How does science explain it?
When a person sees another person in need of help, the following neurobiological processes occur:
1. Perception: The information about the person in need is processed in the different centers in the brain responsible for each sense (for ex. the visual cortex located at the back of the brain, for visual perception) (Tanaka & Saito, 1989).
2. Emotional Processing: Once received, The information is then sent to the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotional information and determining whether the situation is a threat or not (LeDoux, 1996). If the situation is perceived as non-threatening, the amygdala sends signals to other brain regions, including the insula and the somatosensory cortex, to generate an emotional response, such as empathy (Singer & Lamm, 2009). The insula is involved in the subjective experience of emotions and the somatosensory cortex processes sensory information from the body (Craig, 2002). This information integration leads to the experience of empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. (Please note that Empathy is a combination of multiple constructs including helpfulness, compassion and perspective change and for each of which we will dedicate a separate chapter).
3. Social Cognitive Processing: The information is then processed in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is involved in social cognition and decision-making (Ochsner et al., 2002). The ACC integrates information about the other person’s distress, past experiences, cultural norms, and personal values to determine the appropriate response.
4. Motivational Processing: The ACC sends signals to the hypothalamus and the ventral striatum, which are involved in the regulation of motivation and reward (Hollerman & Schultz, 1998). The release of dopamine in these regions can increase the feeling of reward associated with helping others, reinforcing the behavior.
5. Action: Finally, the motor cortex receives signals from other brain regions and generates the appropriate response, such as offering help or support. (Unless for some reason, we suppress our impulse for action, due to the mechanism of self-control).
To fully understand the process of helping and caring, we should note that the above is a simplification of a complex process and that many other brain regions and neurotransmitters, such as Serotonin and Oxytocin, also play a role in the regulation of helping behavior (Baumgartner et al., 2008; Kosfeld et al., 2005).
References:
• Baumgartner, T., Heinrichs, M., Vonlanthen, A., Fischbacher, U., & Fehr, E. (2008). Oxytocin shapes the neural circuitry of trust and trust adaptation in humans. Neuron, 58(4), 639-650.
• Craig, A. D. (2002). How do you feel? Interoception: the sense of the physiological condition of the body. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 3(8), 655-666.
• Anderson, A. K., & Phelps, E. A. (2001). Lesions of the human amygdala impair enhanced perception of emotionally salient events. Nature, 411(6835), 305-309.
• Singer, T., Seymour, B., O’Doherty, J., Kaube, H., Dolan, R. J., & Frith, C. D. (2004). Empathy for pain involves the affective but not sensory components of pain. Science, 303(5661), 1157-1162.
• Hollerman, J. R., & Schultz, W. (1998). Dopamine neurons report an error in the temporal prediction of reward during learning. Nature Neuroscience, 1(2), 304-309.
• Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehr, E. (2005). Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435(7042), 673-676.
• LeDoux, J. (1996). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. Simon and Schuster.
• Ochsner, K. N., Knierim, K., Ludlow, D. H., Hanelin, J., Ramachandran, T., Glover, G., & Mackey, S. (2002). Reflecting upon feelings: An fMRI study of neural systems supporting the attribution of emotion to self and other. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 14(3), 617-630.
Now back to the problems from the beginning:
Our journey started with the identification of the 3 main problems with helping and caring. (1) Wanting to help, 2) Providing unsolicited help, and 3) Provoking pushback)
At the same time, as you might already notice, the trait of human nature, which we examined (Helpfulness), on its own is not able to solve all three problems. It actually addresses only the second one – Providing unsolicited help.
Meaning, that the mentioned trait is responsible only for the proactive helping part, but does not include the willingness part and the ability to actually understand the real needs and goals of the other person.
For those two problems, human nature has 2 different mechanisms:
- The value of “Althruism” (which gives us information about the degree to which a person believes that helping is good, desirable, important, and preferable)
- The trait “Perspective change” (which provides us information about the ability of the person to “put himself in the other person’s shoes”
Both of those mechanisms are object of separate chapters, but for now, we need to understand, that without them, our efforts for helping the right way will almost certainly be in vain. and one or more of the mentioned problems will often occur.
(P.S. To fully understand all what’s needed for proper help and care, please take time to visit the chapters dedicated to the two mentioned mechanisms above)
Helpfulness as a personality trait:
It reflects a person’s tendency to feel an impulse to help people and the degree to which is willing to try to be helpful. It is about doing the fist thing we feel would be helpful for the situation.
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
What does all of this mean for the 6 major areas of life…
INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIPS
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
PARENTING
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
HEALTH & WELL-BEING
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
CAREER, BUSINESS & LEADERSHIP
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
SOCIAL CONTACTS & REPUTATION
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Low Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|—— 100%
Strengths:
- Do not waste time on other people’s problems and needs;
- Are effective in the context of pursuing their own goals, without distracting themselves by spending time for others;
Weaknesses:
- Perceived as cold;
- Suffer lower chances of getting help since are known for not providing such (the reciprocity and fairness factor);
High Scorers:
1% ——|—————-|——100%
Strengths:
- Concerned about other people;
- Always ready to “come to the rescue” and “lend a hand”;
- Dear friends and colleagues;
Weaknesses:
- Often waste too much time and resources to help other people;
- Neglect their own goals, in the name of other people;
- Susceptible to manipulations in the name of other people’s interests and needs;
Now, on the part of the solution…
(What to do to properly help and care in the context of all the above)
Regarding their need for Authenticity – Accept them as they are, try to put them in circumstances that support their strengths and values;
Regarding their need to Feel – Try to touch their emotions while interacting with them. Be more expressive and showcase emotions in the conversation;
Regarding their need for Rationality – Let them think for themselves, don’t convince them;
Regarding their need for Freedom – Do not impose on them anything and don’t get in their way of the gratification pursuit. Give them opportunities and choices;
Regarding their need for Security – Inform them of the potential risks; What would be the consequences, and what would they mess up or miss if not careful. Showcase to them what negative outcome would be their responsibility if occurs because of the specific context;
Regarding their need for good Health – Remove anything unpleasant and toxic between you two, and apologize for any past inconveniences you might have caused;
Regarding their need for Predictability – Share your vision about the future, Explain what challenges you foresee in that future, preparing them for what’s to come and what would be needed to deal with that future in your opinion.
Regarding their need for Stimulation – Stimulate their imagination, offer them the opportunity for variety and thrills, challenge them, and show them new perspectives and possibilities;
Regarding their need to Understand – Provide all the objective information you have, truthfully. Explain and articulate things in the most simple way possible, and in their language. Ask them if they could maybe want to repeat it in their own words, and correct them non-judgmentally if needed.
Regarding their need for Pleasure – Offer them a sensual pleasure for all of the six senses (smell, touch, hearing, taste, visuals, and internal sensations). Be a positive, funny, entertaining, and unburdening company for them; Engage them in joyful activities;
Regarding their need for Achievement – Identify what they value and are aiming at, and offer your help only for that;
Regarding their need for Resources – Ask them if they are interested to find out ways how you are able to save more, earn more, and spend less. (in terms of resources – whatever those might be) And provide this info only if they are truly interested;
Regarding their need for Intimacy – Be there for them. Just listen. Ask them about their feelings, fears, and aspirations. Provide a compassionate, non-judgmental year.
Regarding their need for Status & Recognition – Uplift, encourage, and praise them for what they are. Share what you admire about them;
Regarding their need for Energy – Offer to take off as much of their load as possible for you. Offer to substitute them for some of their duties. Offer to save them time and energy in any way possible, but do all those things only for things that you are able to execute at least as well and efficiently as them.
Regarding their need to Deal with the Physical world – Showcase to them what tools you use and know of, for similar cases, situations & challenges;
Regarding their need to Relate and Deal with others – Be honest, share how you feel about them, open up about your fears and desires, and goals in front of them;
Regarding their need to Socialize – Introduce them to others, and let them decide whom to keep and whom to let go. Accept how they feel and act toward other people.
Regarding their need to be Accepted – Be open and non-judgmental about their ways of doing things, but give them objective, non-shaming or blaming feedback for how usually things are done (how you and others do those)
Regarding their need to Take care of themselves despite others – Always be fair to them. Accept that they do whatever they do because of them, not because of you. Give them objective, non-shaming, or blaming feedback for how you feel about their behaviors, and how those hurt you.
The Challenge
If you are convinced that getting along and caring is worth trying, spend 15-20 minutes visualizing how will it look for you to get along and care for a specific person – someone important to you…
Use the mentioned above ways and just visualize how will you look doing them for that person, and how will you feel while doing it.
Try to imagine yourself as vividly as possible – caring for that person, going through each of the needs mentioned above.
MY PROMISE TO YOU:
if you decide to take on this challenge, I promise you, you will not regret it and it will improve dramatically your connection with that person!
In case you are wondering how good you actually are with getting along and caring in real life…
Knowing oneself is probably one of the most important tasks one has in this life!
And there are only two ways of achieving this…
- Through a lifetime of introspection and self-analysis or…
- Through the process of psychological profiling, which will shed light on your deep psychological characteristics, some of which we discussed in this chapter.
Don’t want to wait for a lifetime?